That there is Adam Melling checking his butt cleavage color contrast between skin and boardshort. He’s doing well. Photo: Oakley
I was supposed to test and review the Oakley Blade 4 compression boardshort and top during my trip to cover the Oakley Pro Bali over the summer. It was actually a planned event on my trip itinerary. Warm water. Amazing waves. Where the halo effect of “working” in a tropical paradise would surely overwhelm any pressing matters in the periphery, but much to our dismay, Oakley’s top-secret new boardshorts got stuck in Indonesian customs, trapped in a box, possibly never to be seen again. But, alas, the fightin’ boardshorts survived! And I was able to give them a go a few months later. I wasn’t in tropical paradise, but a warm late summer day in San Clemente, California, followed by a session in flat, warm Outer Banks, North Carolina, would suffice. So, without further ado, here are a few observations test-piloting the never-before-seen Blade 4 Boardshort and Compression System.
I like the spandex. I’d rather surf in just the spandex alone. If I felt as confident about my surfing (self-conscious) as I do about my dancing (voted Best Dancer in HS…enough said), I’d wear the bright neon spandex alone at the beach daily. People would talk about it. I’d smile and be very outgoing and friendly about it all.
When I put the spandex on I want to do three things. First, I want to start flexing in the mirror. For twenty minutes. Just trying different poses because it feels appropriate. Second, I want to get a richer, deeper tan – especially on my lower back. If I know one thing to be true, it’s this: Nothing provides an opportunity for color contrast like a tight, neon yellow waistband and tan butt cleavage. Third, I want to start doing jump-kicks. The spandex offers a dimension of support that makes me feel like I can kick ass. There’s an athleticism that spandex awakens in me – a vestige of my college wrestling days, that for one reason or another, the wetsuit fails to resurrect. Thank you, Oakley Blade 4. You make me feel like an athlete.
And that’s the point. While wearing the full Blade 4 Compression get-up head-to-toe, a friend of mine (from Carlsbad) told me with trademark SoCal condescension, “You don’t look like you’re from…a beach community.” “Exactly!” I retorted. You look and feel like an athlete while wearing this stuff, not a cruisey surfer, brah. This is armor, baby. And Oakley asserts that their compression technology is designed with athletes in mind. They discuss things like muscle recovery, increased blood circulation, lactic acid reduction, rash-resistance, etc…. Science! Facts! Without proper measurement systems, I couldn’t really confirm or deny the veracity of it all, but I am a sucker for athlete-centric projects. Because I believe in athletics. I believe in pushing the boundaries of what is humanly possible through technology and hard work much more than I believe in the fleeting concept of cool. And I have like 24K Instagram followers (@zachweisberg) and I recently starting cutting the necks of my t-shirts with scissors, so that means something coming from me. Cool is easy. Great is hard.
Which IS great, because while testing the shorts, an adorable, very uncool family from Ohio starting screaming, “Sharknadoooooo!” as I bodysurfed about 20 yards north of them. I had watched the first 10 minutes of Sharknado, so I knew what they were talking about, and luckily I was wearing my spandex so I knew I could kick the tornado of sharks’ ass if it indeed threatened us.
The spandex traps sand at beach breaks. Each of my sessions involved a surprisingly large sand dump from spandex to bathtub floor during post-surf showers. It was actually kind of gratifying to see how much sand you could bring in from the ocean to your home. More than you’d think.
I put these through the wash, and when I pulled them out of the dryer, the spandex actually unraveled, so that didn’t bode well. Be aware that the clothes coming out of that machine were so hot that I could barely hold them for more than a second at a time without screeching like a schoolgirl playing hot potato. But I also semi-regularly put the wrong kind of dish soap in my dishwasher and overflow my kitchen with bubbles. My roommates think it’s intentional. They’re kind of right, because it always makes me smile when I see a kitchen full of bubbles. Point is: it’s possible the mechanical malfunction was on me. And I definitely didn’t bother to read any tags, but I’m fairly certain that shouldn’t happen.
Conclusion: I think to really reap the benefits of such a technical (and expensive) boardshort that hasn’t even been released yet, you need to have a boat trip or serious surf trip on the horizon. Or be an unsponsored competitive surfer who’s hunting for an edge. If you’re regularly spending an exhausting stretch of multi-session days in the water and rashes and muscle fatigue are inevitable, the Blade 4 might be for you. In that case, you’ll need every psychological and technical advantage available on the market to keep you feeling motivated and confident and rash-free. You’ll want to feel like a spandexy, finely tuned athlete. And if nothing else, they’re definitely great for jumpkicks, mirror-flexing, and tanning. Just be careful with your dryer.